i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
