i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
