I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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