Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
