I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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