I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
