She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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