After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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