my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
