Already got asked if we're dating
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
