Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
