Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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