I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
