I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
