Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
