i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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