Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
