just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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