my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Small penises have feelings too.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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