It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
