The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
