I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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