if i can run in heels then i can drive
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
