Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
