I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
