My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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