remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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