my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
