I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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