You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
