eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
