I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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