About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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