Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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