We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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