I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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