If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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