one might say we're banned from that church
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
