I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
