As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i think we sleep fucked last night...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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