i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
