I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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