You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
