I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
