shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
