Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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