i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
