pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This house was built for laser tag.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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