Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
