mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
