Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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