I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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